C O N F E S S I O N S

holy shit, now i've gone and done it! // 5.24.2007

Yes, Aurelia has gone and completely flipped her lid. She has gone and done the unthinkable. Aurelia has settled down and become a wife!

No I'm not kidding around. Let's backtrack. I had been going to my therapy sessions every other day like a good little girl. I even went into this weird (beyond weird) group therapy which took place in a fortress type building somewhere in the middle of nowhere. No, I'm not kidding. I had solitary and group therapy. I was there for two weeks (was supposed to be a month but wasn't). The group therapy was to work on my self esteem and get out all of my issues. The solitary therapy was for sex =) It was basically an advanced form of tantric sex to work on my control. Completely awesome by the way (once it was over anyway). The actual learning is fucking horrible, but it pays off in the end. Those supposedly closest to me thought I was lying. But I wasn't. 100% fucking true.

Anyway, so after my therapy had ended, I started seeing Patrick again. But just for talks. Not actual sessions. He was a great help to me. I had one really bad night soon after the intense therapy where I got drunk and called him. He looked up my address (on my file) and came over to sober me up. That night I told him every sad horrible fact about me. Every tiny detail. I didn't spare him anything. I've never been so honest in my life. I finally passed out after crying on his shoulder and he put me to sleep. When I woke up the next day, he was still there watching over me. We were silent for a few minutes as I recalled what I had told him. Just as I started to get really embarassed, he sat next to me and said that he had never known someone as strong or as brave as I was. I was dumbfounded. I used to believe I was strong. But in the last couple years I had started to believe that I was weak. And this man, this brillant and truly strong man was telling me that I was strong. Coming from him, I believed it. He has been through hell in back. The only reason I know is because he let me read the manuscript that he's been working on for an autobiography.

So after my tell all confession, we actually became friends. It was a wonderful experience having a friend. And he didn't judge me at all. We started seeing each other every night. Then all of a sudden he asked me if I would marry him! He asked me on May 18th. I accepted and on May 20th, Patrick and I married in a quiet ceremony in Lake Tahoe. It was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

I'm not sure why I said yes so quickly. This sounds horrible but I am not completely in love. I love things about him. I know he feels the same. We don't know each other enough to actually be in love. But even if we aren't in love, the way we feel together and around each other, is amazing. He loves the very things that most people hate about me. My wildness, my naughty ideas and experiences. He has already said that he'd accept an open marriage if I still wanted to sleep around, but at this time, I don't. Maybe in time I'll introduce him to some of my wild ways. But not all.

So yes, I am now a married woman. But don't worry. I'll still be posting all my dirty thoughts and feelings =) I can't just leave you guys hanging! Plus, let's face it. I'm such a little whore!

confessed aurelia @ 1:15 AM

starting over // 4.20.2007

So here we go, a fresh start. A new blog for someone in the middle of changing. Or at least trying to. Patrick suggested that start again and he's probably right. He's always been right so far. Patrick, by the way, is my counselor. I've been seeing him off and on for about a month now. He's helping me keep my head on straight. God knows it would be about fucking time. I'm going to be 21 at the end of this month (10 days to be exact). I think it's about time for me to finally act my age. (Oh and in case anyone wants to send me any mail for my birthday, I have a friend who is collecting my mail for me. So email me for the address).

I've thought about joining a group like Sex Addicts Anonymous, but let's face it. I'd just fail. I even asked Patrick about it and he actually said that I shouldn't yet. He said that my constant sexual urges are due to lack of self-esteem. That instead of food or alcohol, I use sex as my way of comforting myself. And looking back, I have to admit that he's right. I often confuse sex for my love because I used to hope that if they were having sex with me, then they loved me. But that isn't the case. And as I started realizing it, I stopped looking for love and just started looking for a good fuck. Sometimes, not even a good one. Sometimes I just wanted a fuck, whether it was good, great, horrible or even painful. Which is probably why I fucked Axe.

Patrick did assign me a couple of things to do before our next session. I'm supposed to think of the first time I had sex (actual penetration). Then think of the last time I had great, meaningful sex while in a stable relationship. Then I need to think of the last time I had good sex (period). So I've been giving both assignments a lot of thought. If I really want to try and change, then I need to really try, right?

Answer to question one: My first time was a horrid experience. It was with a man. He was 18. I was 12. The actual sex was wonderful after the initial first painful jab. After he broke through, it was smooth sailing. I came twice. After we did the deed, he actually broke down and started crying about how evil I was for making him have sex. Then he said that he was going to go to hell for what he had done. He thought I was 14 at the time. I'm glad I never told him exactly how old I was at the time.

Answer to question two: The last time I had great, meaningful sex while in a relationship? I'd have to say when I was dating Jenna. I loved her. I think I still do. She was everything to me. But I blew that relationship. I loved being close to her. I loved watching how erect her nipples would become when she got wet, the little moans and gasps she made as I slowly tongued her, and the way she would hold me in her arms after we made love. That was probably the safest I ever felt.

Answer to question three: The last time I had good sex? Marcus. That fucking bastard used me and lied to me, but he sure was fabulous in the bed. I was different with him. More like the little wifey. Maybe that's why I went on such a destructive course when I discovered his lies.

More to come later. I need to get going. I actually have a session with Patrick at 6:30. Wish me luck.

confessed aurelia @ 5:21 PM