C O N F E S S I O N S

starting over // 4.20.2007

So here we go, a fresh start. A new blog for someone in the middle of changing. Or at least trying to. Patrick suggested that start again and he's probably right. He's always been right so far. Patrick, by the way, is my counselor. I've been seeing him off and on for about a month now. He's helping me keep my head on straight. God knows it would be about fucking time. I'm going to be 21 at the end of this month (10 days to be exact). I think it's about time for me to finally act my age. (Oh and in case anyone wants to send me any mail for my birthday, I have a friend who is collecting my mail for me. So email me for the address).

I've thought about joining a group like Sex Addicts Anonymous, but let's face it. I'd just fail. I even asked Patrick about it and he actually said that I shouldn't yet. He said that my constant sexual urges are due to lack of self-esteem. That instead of food or alcohol, I use sex as my way of comforting myself. And looking back, I have to admit that he's right. I often confuse sex for my love because I used to hope that if they were having sex with me, then they loved me. But that isn't the case. And as I started realizing it, I stopped looking for love and just started looking for a good fuck. Sometimes, not even a good one. Sometimes I just wanted a fuck, whether it was good, great, horrible or even painful. Which is probably why I fucked Axe.

Patrick did assign me a couple of things to do before our next session. I'm supposed to think of the first time I had sex (actual penetration). Then think of the last time I had great, meaningful sex while in a stable relationship. Then I need to think of the last time I had good sex (period). So I've been giving both assignments a lot of thought. If I really want to try and change, then I need to really try, right?

Answer to question one: My first time was a horrid experience. It was with a man. He was 18. I was 12. The actual sex was wonderful after the initial first painful jab. After he broke through, it was smooth sailing. I came twice. After we did the deed, he actually broke down and started crying about how evil I was for making him have sex. Then he said that he was going to go to hell for what he had done. He thought I was 14 at the time. I'm glad I never told him exactly how old I was at the time.

Answer to question two: The last time I had great, meaningful sex while in a relationship? I'd have to say when I was dating Jenna. I loved her. I think I still do. She was everything to me. But I blew that relationship. I loved being close to her. I loved watching how erect her nipples would become when she got wet, the little moans and gasps she made as I slowly tongued her, and the way she would hold me in her arms after we made love. That was probably the safest I ever felt.

Answer to question three: The last time I had good sex? Marcus. That fucking bastard used me and lied to me, but he sure was fabulous in the bed. I was different with him. More like the little wifey. Maybe that's why I went on such a destructive course when I discovered his lies.

More to come later. I need to get going. I actually have a session with Patrick at 6:30. Wish me luck.

confessed aurelia @ 5:21 PM